Monday, May 26, 2008

Sunday, May 25, 2008

there's a chance

she looks like me.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Thursday, May 15, 2008

reflections on life as i've known it

let's start with a list, shall we?

*big sur, california:

*hemet, california:

*hollister, california:

*langley, british columbia:

*hollister, california (yes, again):

*sacramento, california:

*watsonville, california:

*santa clarita, california (4 addresses in this particular town):

*petion-ville, haiti:

*coarsegold, california:

today i turn 29. i know there are some of you out there who have been claiming this age for a number of years now, but i truly am 29 years old today. and in my 29 years, i have lived a number of places. i have traveled to a number of states. (see below) i have had 27 roommates/housemates in my life. and no, that does not include children at the o.

so far, however, i have never "been abroad." i have never jumped from a plane. i have never ice blocked down a hill and i have never given birth!
in all my experiences, in all my travels, in all my brief intervals of living here and serving coffee there, the only place i haven't wanted to leave was haiti. (well, as a child i didn't like the unknown of moving from hemet to hollister, but i am not counting that: i was 7.)

so there you have it. this is all new to me. i have uprooted and moved on numerous times. i have pulled the plug and flipped the switch. but every one of those times i thought (silly me), i was in control. i planned my next move. like a stealthy knight plotting the demise of the enemy queen, i edged about the chess board with a specific purpose. come to find out . . . Someone else guides the knight across the board. and the queen may or may not fall. all my plotting, all my planning, all my scheming and where have i ended up? lost. completely lost.

i'm at this crossroads and i have no idea where to go. i'm izzie in the pink dress on the bathroom floor without a clue as to how to be this person. the ground fell out from beneath my feet and i . . . don't know.

ever so many people suggest that i write, but i don't know what to write about. authors don't know what to write about! if they, those who have studied, those who have degrees, those who have actually written works that have been published, have writer's block, how can i presume to out-sell j. k. rowling?

i'm just . . . lost.

i'm here and he's . . . there.
i'm going to have a kid and i have to support him/her.
i don't have a car.
i don't have a place to live.
i don't even have a college degree.

so, there you have it. i'm not sure of anything right now.
i really am not trying to be bleak or to make my life sound dark and tragic. i do trust that the Lord has a plan. i am just numb right now and cannot see the road ahead.