Thursday, May 15, 2008

reflections on life as i've known it

let's start with a list, shall we?

*big sur, california:

*hemet, california:

*hollister, california:

*langley, british columbia:

*hollister, california (yes, again):

*sacramento, california:

*watsonville, california:

*santa clarita, california (4 addresses in this particular town):

*petion-ville, haiti:

*coarsegold, california:

today i turn 29. i know there are some of you out there who have been claiming this age for a number of years now, but i truly am 29 years old today. and in my 29 years, i have lived a number of places. i have traveled to a number of states. (see below) i have had 27 roommates/housemates in my life. and no, that does not include children at the o.

so far, however, i have never "been abroad." i have never jumped from a plane. i have never ice blocked down a hill and i have never given birth!
in all my experiences, in all my travels, in all my brief intervals of living here and serving coffee there, the only place i haven't wanted to leave was haiti. (well, as a child i didn't like the unknown of moving from hemet to hollister, but i am not counting that: i was 7.)

so there you have it. this is all new to me. i have uprooted and moved on numerous times. i have pulled the plug and flipped the switch. but every one of those times i thought (silly me), i was in control. i planned my next move. like a stealthy knight plotting the demise of the enemy queen, i edged about the chess board with a specific purpose. come to find out . . . Someone else guides the knight across the board. and the queen may or may not fall. all my plotting, all my planning, all my scheming and where have i ended up? lost. completely lost.

i'm at this crossroads and i have no idea where to go. i'm izzie in the pink dress on the bathroom floor without a clue as to how to be this person. the ground fell out from beneath my feet and i . . . don't know.

ever so many people suggest that i write, but i don't know what to write about. authors don't know what to write about! if they, those who have studied, those who have degrees, those who have actually written works that have been published, have writer's block, how can i presume to out-sell j. k. rowling?

i'm just . . . lost.

i'm here and he's . . . there.
i'm going to have a kid and i have to support him/her.
i don't have a car.
i don't have a place to live.
i don't even have a college degree.

so, there you have it. i'm not sure of anything right now.
i really am not trying to be bleak or to make my life sound dark and tragic. i do trust that the Lord has a plan. i am just numb right now and cannot see the road ahead.


Amie R. said...

You don't know me. I am actually moving to Evansville and found the Haiti group online through Kristina's videos on you tube. Totally random...or just God. So now I stalk these family's blogs until I get to meet them in person. We are a family formed through transracial adoption as well, so I got very excited when I found these families online.

All this to say, I have been blog stalking you too. I see all of the things you are saying and it looks like a huge pickle of a situation. I don't want to minimize what you are facing. However, I see this amazing story developing each post you write, and I can't help but be excited to see what God is going to do in your life and this baby's life. I see you clinging to your Father, accepting His grace in your life, and looking to Him to show you the next step. I am sure it is a terrifying place to be and if you add up all of the cards stacked against you it seems like you are lost. But you are not lost...that is a lie of the deceiver. It is not possible to be lost and at the same time have a Guide that is all-knowing. I think you are right that you cannot see the road ahead, but God is there too...He's already there waiting to hold your hand and lead you to the next road.

By the way, my vote was to move to Evansville. :) Could be a pretty cool situation...

megan haug said...

continuing to pray for you, my friend!

you've lived in some beautiful places! you have experienced and been through so many things in your 29 years....and i know years from now there will be many more exciting pictures and stories added!!

happy birthday!

Michelle said...

Fortunately, the Word of God tells us that we "walk by faith and not by sight." So, in my opinion you are right where God wants you....totally and completely and blindly trusting in HIM.

Love you and always praying!

Of course, I voted for you to move to Evansville!! I would love to be your babysitter!!

Kathy Eden said...

Randy & I were talking at supper at how you must be feeling. I think by what you have describe we were pretty close. We are praying for you!!! It would be so much easier to give you {{{ Hugs }}} if you moved to Evansville :o)

Brandy said...

Oh, my friend, ...many do not know this, but I have been in similiar shoes. Troy and I were not married when we had our first. I use to want to keep it all a secret. But, if I did that, it was hiding how awesome that God has been throught the whole thing and how he has been there through it all. Let me know if you need to talk. I will share with you the road that has lead me to where I am now. Know that I am praying for you and your little miracle. If you want my email address Michelle has it and you can ask her for it. Again, praying for you. Love, Brandy

megan said...

p.s. i voted twice. you can move to evansville AND write!!

Shanley said...

At the risk of sounding cliche -and I'm so afraid of it, and so afriad of sounding like I don't get how much you're hurting (when, in reality, I don't get it, and I can't get it), and, in hopes that you know my whole heart looks at you and says what you've always said to me - "that's fair" - tears are fair, anguish, pain, oh - it's all fair! But, I pick option e - none of the above. i vote for what you haven't seen yet, and what we don't know. i vote for what He has because I know that He has something better than the options below - and it involves healing and wholeness and, I believe, joy. Perhaps not the kind where you leap and laugh - but the quiet kind, that runs deep - because you trust Him, you-you. and you've kept following. Not sure how or when or what kind - but i know that you shouldn't settle for less. I'm waiting for the bend we didn't expect - the one where you call crying because you didn't know He had THIS up His sleeve - and perhaps I sound overly optimistic, but I know that He's unpredictable, and I know that His word is chock full of people like you. Sarai beyond her years, Peter in what seemed beyond redemption, Moses who seemed like he would never amount to anything - and never return home. Cameron reminded me yesterday when I told him about you, that nothing in ministry is final because of an unpredictable God. Don't cement things just yet - don't start planning for a future of trudging. WAIT. I think something better is on the horizon. Perhaps just because you're amazing to me - and I know He created you that way - and I can't imagine a God who made you like you are, and gave you to me as something so GOOD in my life, when I was running out of friends to laugh with, asking you to settle for something you don't love. I am waiting for the phonecall, even if you move to Evansville and write - because I don't see that being the end.

Abbie said...

Maybe it's not being lost . . . maybe it's God clearing your plate - temporarily, so that you will have plenty of undivided time to grieve those things that are now behind you, grow into contentment regardless of the situation and MOST OF ALL have time to bond and get to know your little one as only a mother can.

Our little Aiden was born just over a year ago and that was such a great loss, but it brought us to Annabella. And we really do wish she was home already, but God has given us the last year to fully grieve and miss and love Aiden. At the same time we have also had the hope of her on the horizon, but even that hope has had it's bumps and dark moments.

All this to say simply that sometimes being lost can be the gift of time in disguise, we just don't usually know it until we are on the other side of it.

Tim & Sarah said...

Angela, Hang in there! Even if you don't know, God does!

I was totally unsure of our adoption back in Oct, I was worried that it wouldn't happen, that something would go wrong, and you said to me, be strong, have faith, lean on God.

I want to encourage you to do the same, you may feel completely lost, scared, sad, unsure, or even unable, but God is in control, and hasn't given you more than you can handle.

You spoke to my heart that day, and I thank you for that. I will continue to pray for you, and know that just as soon as you have your baby, you will no longer have writer's block! :0)

Tim & Sarah said...

One more thing, Moving to Eville, would put you very close to alot of those Haitian beauties you have grown to love, and I could use a part time babysitter for my girls this next school year.....
I hope you choose here!

Troy & Tara Livesay Family said...

checking in to see if there is baby news. praying for you Angela.


tandtknox said...

"And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not" (Deut. 8:2). Ah, the wilderness. It is painful but purifying. Loving you and agreeing with everything my daughter wrote.

Greg's Wife said...

Wow. I'm way behind on your blog! I love the fact that you were willing to share these fears and anxieties openly that the body of Christ could come forth to pray for and comfort you. I don't have anything new or original to add to the beautiful comments here. I am not sure who said it first that God whispers to us through blessings and shouts to us through adversity, but this is what I thought of when I read your post. The dark, uncertain valleys are where we grow the most. I've been in one myself for 5 1/2 years, and I'd say only in the last few months have I finally begun to see the beauty of these hard times of testing. For a long time I kept looking at myself- wanting to see growth, change, betterment... And that just made me miserable. Because I never seem to get very far, and when I do feel I am "overcoming" something a setback usually comes along to prevent me from being prideful about it. It is only since I have really started looking to Him, thinking on Him instead of myself, and been forced by Him to completely give up ALL self-reliance that I have finally begun to feel the peace that eluded me for so very long. Tina K recommended a wonderful book called Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. I can NOT NOT NOT recommend it enough! Please order it at Amazon or check it out at your local library (if they don't trash all the Christian books like most libraries do) I truly believe it will bless you greatly. I am praying for you, sister!