torn

i have a subscription to

better homes and gardens magazine.

(a free subscription, mind you.)

bet you didn't see that one coming.

if i had a television, i'd watch home makeover shows all day long.

aesthetically, i just love stores like anthropolgie and urban outfitters.

i say this because i'm not sure you'll ever know it about me. i mean, even if the Lord is gracious to give me my own home someday, i don't expect to decorate it like the grand schemes i dream up in my head. i never intend to have the wardrobe i'm trying to avoid coveting from stores like the ones i've mentioned above. i simply could not justify that.

so i'm just not sure if you'll ever know that i have great taste! :)

i feel torn quite often.

i like design. i like layout. i like color schemes and high end paper. i love photography and i enjoy coordinating events. especially themed events.

i think in pictures.

i think in scenes.

i've directed a couple of children's plays and i really like seeing a script come to life.

i suppose i'm simply trying to say that creativity draws me.

and yet, i simply cannot put my time and effort into those things and i'll tell you why.

because i have seen this:

(photo taken 5 months pre-quake)

and this doesn't leave room for aesthetics.

the people of haiti are her beauty. the land has been pillaged. what once was nearly a rain- forrest, now is so barren the rain simply rolls off its surface.

my two worlds never interface. the pleasing sights, sounds, and smells of my clean and comfortable california home contrast vastly with the land i love. the arid, trash-ridden, pile of rubble that is haiti.

if i were to try to describe last week honestly i think i would use words such as hot, dirty, bug infested, gritty, anxious, sad, devastating, tough, frustrating, and scary.

it seems nonsensical to also use the words amazing, surprising, encouraging, beautiful, peaceful, satisfactory, humorous, and cold.

but this is what haiti can do to you. and really it's the Lord. no other way to explain that while your body is crying "oh please take me home!" your heart is asking you to stay.

so while my eyes tell me this is absolutely adorable:

my heart tells me she is far far more beautiful, more worthy of all my time, energy and funding:

that teaching him about carpentry was a wonderful way to spend my week:

that building shelters to keep people out of the tent cities where women and children are in real danger of not only disease, hunger, and flooding, but also rape is far more virtuous than registering once again for the hgtv dream home:

i know that watching her worship in the midst of extreme loss and poverty was worth the cost of my ticket three times over:

it was an extremely worthwhile week and i'm excited for my return in a few weeks!

thank you, Jesus, for this opportunity. thank you for giving me ears to hear and eyes to see.